> MOTHERS SAID:
>
> PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go,
> young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"
>
> MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a
> garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"
>
> MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on
> braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
>
> HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told
> you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to
> me? Noooo!"
>
> COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher.
> You still could have written!"
>
> BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you--quit
> playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this
> week!"
>
> MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other
> children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off
> the ceiling?"
>
> NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your
> report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and
> prove it!"
>
> CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you--don't go
> biting off more than you can chew!"
>
> ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't
> you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
>
> BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite,
> Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."
>
> MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school,
> Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
>
> BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how
> much the insurance is going to be?"
>
> GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from
> the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"
>
> LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you
> don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be
> a lot more spiders around here!"
>
> ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture.
> Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse,
> something...?"
>
> GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing
> money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
>
> JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've
> really been for the last three days."
>
> SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and
> we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you
> quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"
>
> THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the
> electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to
> bed!"
>

i thought we all could use some cute little tid bits! we need to enjoy life and learn to laugh because yes it is very trying times in our lives right now but laughter can sooth the soul!

if you all do not mind , i would like to post some other tid bits, they are funny or at least i think so, to try to share some laughter with others.

THE MAN AND THE OSTRICH

A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich

behind him, and as he sits down, the waiter

comes over and asks for their order. The man says,

"I'll have a tuna fish sandwich," and then the waiter

turns to the ostrich. "What's your order?"

"I'll have a tuna fish sandwich too," says the ostrich.

The waiter serves them and says "That will be $8.40 please,"

and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact

change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man

says, "I'll have that tuna fish sandwich again," and the

ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches

into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until one day a few weeks later.

"The usual?" asks the waiter. "Well, I'm a little extra hungry

today, so I think I'll have a steak and potato this time,"

says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich.

So the waiter serves them their steaks and says, "That will

be $15.20." Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his

pocket and places it on the counter. The waiter can't hold

back his curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the

exact change out of your pocket every time, no matter what the

total is?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic

and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and

offered me two wishes."

"My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I could

just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will

always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waiter. "Most people would wish for

a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you

want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the

exact money is always there," says the man.

"Wow," the waiter replies. "But one other thing, sir, what's with the

ostrich?"

The man answers, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

The importance of having your email address correct!

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Florida for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter.

Since both spouses worked, they had difficulty coordinating their schedules, the decision was made to have the husband leave for Florida on a certain day, with the wife following him one day later.


The man made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. However, he left off one letter in typing his wife's email address and sent the email off without realizing his error.


In another part of the country, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from her husband's relatives and friends.


Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor. The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following E-mail message:


To My Loving Wife:


I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.


Your Devoted Husband.


PS: Sure is hot down here.

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold
winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young
families and young couples eating there that night. Some
of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could
tell what the admirers were thinking.
"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot
together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register,
placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for
their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall
and started taking food off of the tray. There was one
hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and
carefully cut it inhalf. He placed one half in front of
his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries,
divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in
front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife
took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the
man began to eat his few bites of the hamburger the crowd
began to get restless.

Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor
old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two
of them." As the man began to eat his French fries one
young man stood and came over to the old couples' table.

He politely offered to buy another meal for the old
couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just
fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the
crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a
bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and
occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him
buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained
that no, they were used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his
face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no
longer. Again he came over to their table and offered
to buy some food. After being politely refused again he
finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am,
why aren't you eating. You said that you share
everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered... "The teeth".

Dear Friends:

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the
following news.

Please join me in remembering a great icon. Veteran
Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died
yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications
from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.


Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens
of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth,
the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the
Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch, and many others.


The graveside was piled high with flours. Longtime
friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing
Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was
kneaded."

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later
life was filled with many turnovers. He was not
considered a very smart cookie, as he wasted much of his
dough on half-baked schemes.


Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty
old man he was considered a roll model for millions.
Toward the end it was thought he'd rise once again, but
he was no tart.
Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough.
They have two children and one in the oven.


The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Bulletin Bloopers;

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic wil be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice!

The Old Man on a Moped

A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001 Ferrari GTO. It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 2001 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much? "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh!
Something whips by him, going much faster! What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh!

It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh
Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain.
He runs up to the old man and says, "Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man moans and replies, "Yes. Kindly unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!

My longtime boarder was moving out, and I needed

an advertisement posted at the local college. A friend

agreed to make one up on her computer and put it on the

school's bulletin board. I went out of town for a couple

of days, and when I got back, I found a number of
strange

messages on my answering machine. Deciding I had better

check out my ad, I went over to the college. And there

it was:


"Room and Broad, $400 a month."

Subject: Good Catholic Humor
>
>
> Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a
Catholic school
>
> for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile
of apples.
>
> The nun made a note, "take only one, God is
watching."
>
>
>
> Moving through the line, at the other end of the
table was a
>
> large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A boy wrote a
note, "take
>
> all you want, God is watching the apples."
>
>

RUFUS AND CLARENCE

There were two old geezers
living in the backwoods of the Ozarks....
Rufus and Clarence.

They lived on opposite sides of the river,
and they hated each other.
Every morning, just after sun-up,
Rufus and Clarence would go down to
their respective sides of the river
and yell at each other.

"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout.
"You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim....
er I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"

"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back.
"You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I cain't swim...
er I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!"

This happened every morning for twenty years.

One day the Army Corps of Engineers
comes along and build a bridge.

Still, every morning, every day
for another five years this yelling
across the river goes on, even with the bridge.

Finally....Mrs.Rufus had had enough.
"Rufus!" she squallers one day.
"I cain't take no more!!
Ever day for 25 years
you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence.
Well, there's the bridge......have at it."

Rufus thought for a moment.
Chewed his bottom lip for another moment.
"Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into
place,
"I'm gonna across that thar bridge and
I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

He walked out the door, down to the river,
along the riverbank, came to the bridge,
stepped up onto the bridge,
walked about halfway over the bridge,
looked up.....
TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING
BACK TO THE HOUSE,
SLAMMED THE DOOR,
BOLTED THE WINDOWS,
GRABBED THE SHOTGUN
AND DOVE, PANTING AND GASPING,
UNDER THE BED!!!!!

"Rufus!" cried the misses.
"I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.

"Rufus!" cried the misses.
"What in tarnation is the matter?"

"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus,
" I went to the bridge......
I stepped up on the bridge.....
walked halfway over the bridge....
looked up....."

"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus,
breathless with suspense.

"And," continued Rufus,
"I saw a sign that said
"Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches"
he ain't never looked that big
from the other side of the river!!!!!!!"

Here ya go ~ Chinese Proverbs ~ :o)

Man wh run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man who eat many prunes get god run for money.

Baseball is wrong: Man with four balls cannot walk.

War does not determine who is right; War determine who is left.

Woman who put husband in doghouse soon find husband in cathouse.

Man who fight with woman all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.


(My apologies for the lack of, errr, taste. I did not make them up. I hope, at least, that they bring a smile to you. - I left the worst ones off)

Susanna aka Su